learning to crawl.

October 12, 2009

Today I was watching Tulsi practice all the motions that will eventually add up to crawling (lifting her whole trunk up high, pivoting 360 degrees on her belly by walking with her hands, inching backwards, and figuring her weight on one knee pushing up with all her littleBIG might). I cheered her on in my authentic, dorky way, despite her frustrated grunts+whines. And I didn’t stop til I got a big smile. Not a smile because her mama is goofy, but a smile that she is happy with what she is achieving.

And it hit me. I’m learning to crawl, too. I can’t really say just how much that realization helps me.

It’s been a slow and challenging process trying to do my art while being a full time mama. The first 3 months were easy. I just didn’t try. I was in blissville. Still am, but the past 3 months I have been trying to do both because, I have to and I want to (creating makes me insanely giddy and feel alive). But it’s hard! Before Tulsi was born, I never stopped. I took on loads of work and did my own art, too. I was super productive. I can still hear Patrick saying, “you know, you won’t be able to do all this when we have a baby.” I ignored him and thought (naively, although I never said it out loud) that I would and could keep doing it all. Ha.

Um, it’s not that easy. Maybe some of you already know this. Or maybe it’s just harder for me. A friend told me once that she felt like she “hung herself up on a coat hanger for her daughter’s first 2 years.” I don’t want to do that. I know it wouldn’t be healthy for me or Tulsi. She needs me to be me. And so do I. I do feel happy that when I’m with Tulsi, I truly am with her. My mind isn’t trying to do anything else. I LOVE being a mama. Somehow, I’ll find the balance between the two.

Crawling does lead to walking. This I know. And when you can walk, you can soon run. And then skip. And hop and jump and bounce. Tulsi’s learning curve is a great mirror for me. Thanks, girl.

I also have this enormous new found respect for time. I think Patrick and I both do. It’s amazing what one can do in small windows of time when it is viewed as rare. It also makes me realize what is most important to me.

It’s after 11pm. Just a few feet away, three pairs of sleeping breaths sing inhale, exhale, and I get lost for a few minutes in their sweetness.

I did finish another painting today. Only one left for my book. After that, the cover, endpapers and title page. I may be crawling to the finish, but I think that is a fine way to finish.

Posted in everyday | 9 Comments »

9 Responses to “learning to crawl.”

sperlygirl Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 12:56 am
yes, yes, yes — that is what motherhood is (to me) ‘learning to crawl’. it’s powerful, sometimes frustrating, totally blissful all wrapped up in one sweet little package. and i keep coming back to this from the book Buddhism for Mothers “the whole world is medicine” and an opportunity for growth. and then i love this tune too…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1n90DdcoLgw
hang in there!
warmly,
s

Jenn Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 6:18 am
I just love your blog, and hearing about your lovely little family!

Jill Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
This is why I haven’t yet taken you up on your kind offer of discussing how I find a balance. (what looks like so easily) It’s not easy! My sweet husband is with our son each day while I work. There both at the studio but I realize I’m missing out on things I don’t want to miss out on. I also have two designers to help so I can keep up with the work load & have a weekend with my precious family. Balance is what you make of it.
Having a little one is a new awareness of how you use your time. At least for me. Hope we get to see you when your in KC. Your book will be beautiful! (you have all sorts of new inspiration)

coloredsock Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
thanks again sperlygirl. it helps to know you and so many other artist mamas are out there. i’ll check out that book. there is a similar saying in ancient ayurvedic texts: “There is nothing in the universe that is non-medicinal and cannot be made use of for many purposes and by many modes.” — Vagbhata, Ashtanga Hrdayam

coloredsock Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
thanks so much for sharing that Jill. that helps! you mean you are human after all? i was beginning to think you were from far far away and possessed super powers. i know you work so hard. and i think you are so right. my balance will be what i choose to make of it. i guess i’m still figuring out what i’d like that to look like. we hope to see you, too. i’ll be in touch!

Katherine Dunn Says:
October 14th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Hey mama – nice , honest post. Now that I’m the ripe age of 51+, I’ve seen a lot of women in my life go through this. Some less gracefully than others. But You have a wonderful attitude- and an openess to adjusting, versus fighting it like some seem to do. I chose not to have children, long ago, because I knew I could not do both, and it just didn’t want kids. The farm and animals are my ‘baby – that-will -never-grow-old” so I have somewhat similar issues. But children, especially as they grow, are different, I know.I think it’s important for women who are thinking of children though to think of these things, and hear from others like yourself, or non- moms too, like me.

Amy Says:
October 14th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Hey Jenny – I know your post resonates with lots of moms, those that are creative and trying to work at home and those that have to leave home to return to work – I can share a slice of wisdom from my (ahummm) years. Looking back, it really is the blink of an eye, though at the time it felt like forever. Life is generous and long with so much time to juggle both – so many opportunities. As the developments speed up so does the independence and your time starts to reappear unannounced. It is continuously changing. Then all of a sudden they are packing their bags and moving out. I said this before, it is by far the sweetest surrender. Finding your balance will most likely remain a somewhat fluid state – I love your honesty and wisdom. And your openess.

Sabbio Says:
October 16th, 2009 at 1:44 am
Your post is full of wisdom, your questions as well as the crawling conclusion.

I’ve been through the same questions and hard times trying to struggle for time. And after I had one of these horrible weeks when you want and need to finish a piece (it was several months ago now) I realized that “struggling” for time, doing several things in the same time but not totally with my children, not totally into my art, was frustrating and taking negative energy… that is when I realized I needed clear spaces for my art and that when my children were around I just have to let their energy flow.

It is less tiring and frustrating AND now I am taking my art “windows” whenever they come : during my baby nap, when I wake up really early in the morning (for that purpose)… these are my art spaces but I am not really planning them because when things don’t happen as planned this is where negativity installs itself.

From that time I’ve been more serene because I know there will always be a time when my children are asleep or really busy ; I’m just waiting for my space window to open and the balance is there, by itself.

And when I have a really urgent piece or a lot of them to finish in little time I’m looking for alternative solutions (like this summer my husband went with my daughter at his mum’s and I stayed with our baby boy… I could work when he slept,just one child to care for… when I had finished my paintings we +went with them)

I hope you will find your peaceful solution Jenny. I am sure you will :)