this journey.
July 8, 2010
Photo above by (I think) Edouard Boubat from Motherpeace: A Way to the Goddess through Myth, Art, and Tarot, by Vicki Noble (AWESOME)
The past two weeks I’ve gotten even less sleep than usual, and I’ve felt more alive. Wild, huh? And I feel really happy, in a different way than my usual giddy-cause-I’m-Tulsi’s-mama-kind-of-way. All because I’ve been creating.
It’s like I’m finding myself again with my art. My art is the thing that sorta defined me before I became a mother (ha) — as much as any one thing can define a person. Then, all of a sudden, I was a mama — a new mama who had no spark to create anything ‘else’. I remember wondering if that was normal. (Was I still an artist, or was I now a mother?) Then that mama became a mama who struggled to create with deadlines in the wee hours of the night (to pay some bills). Then that mama became the mama, who suddenly felt inspired again to create art but had no time and little energy at the end of the day to do it — the mama who kept wondering, “how the heck are other mamas doing it?” And somehow … maybe with time or being more gentle on myself, or maybe with erasing any dividing lines between the two “me’s”, or simply feeling the purest desire to do both, I’ve become a mama who is also an artist — and making art. Whew! It is such a journey and a continual balancing act, I know, but I think it’s important to shout out a big thank you to the universe when life IS in balance, don’t you?
(The projects I’m working on, I can’t share until they are published…but it will be fun when I can!)
And I see how making art grounds me, like a full day digging in the garden, barefoot. And how it fills me, like harvesting and preserving enough food from our garden to last the whole winter. And how it challenges and grows me, like every moment I’m with my Tulsi — the fun, tough, and every one in between. And that it’s just as important for me to make art, as it is for Tulsi to see her mama doing what she loves. I wonder how being a mother will change me as an artist. It’s bound to…
I’m going to take some liberty to add to Ben Shahn’s “capsule recommendation for a course of education (for an artist)” : Become a mother. To anything. A baby or pet or horse or garden. Know what it’s like to take care of someone else first. To set your art aside for some time, if needed. To give all of yourself, even when you are exhausted and to trust and let go of yourself to become someone new.
For you mamas out there, I’m curious what you let go of when you became a mother, and did you find it again — or did it find you again?
9 Responses to “this journey.”
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© 2012 jenny sue kostecki-shaw · coloredsock@mac.com · 575 586 1726
July 9th, 2010 at 4:54 am
I have 4 living children and have had peaks and troughs of artistic creativity. At the moment, as a painting artist, it’s a trough. I’m finding every excuse to do other things. But I want to paint and sell. I want the money. But the inspiration – no, nothing there.
I’m SO hoping I’ll find ‘it’ again.
I miss it.
But I love YOUR art. I hope you continue to grow and explore as an artist. And as a mum.
July 9th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
Wow Jenny, we must be on the same cosmic creative energy cycle because I am just now finally getting out of my writing rut (at least for this book). What a relief, though I am still scared to admit I think it’s finally working. Anyhoo, thanks so much for sharing your mamahood art journey. I’m so happy you’ve connected with that part of yourself again. It’s always scary when the muse doesn’t visit for a while…even though we all know she eventually comes back.
July 12th, 2010 at 5:45 pm
I’m so happy for you that your muse has reappeared. That you’re artspark and time has come into focus together again. I can’t wait to see what beauty you put into the world…
And thank you for sharing that Ben Shahn quote. I think I needed to hear that… my art muse is still disappeared. I don’t know where to find her! Tell yours to send a friend. :)
July 14th, 2010 at 8:37 pm
hi Anna, thanks so much for sharing and for your nice words — 4 children! awesome. we want to have another baby someday :) i know this artist-mama role is like a ride on a rollercoaster, fast, and always changing, so i’m just trying to stay present and enjoy it all. it’s perfect, really — whichever way the scale is leaning at any given time. hope you find fresh inspiration soon! xo
July 14th, 2010 at 8:41 pm
hey BEtsy, i’m SO happy to hear that! yay! i do hope we’ll get to hear a little about this book during our weekend in sept! speaking of which…i need to spend some time now trying to stitch together all my bits-n-pieces of stories into actual stories (by then). ha. i’m so excited. such perfect timing for me to be with all of you. xo
July 14th, 2010 at 8:55 pm
hey, thanks Penny! i am happy, too. and relieved. i think possibly some ‘urgency’ with a couple of the projects booted me into my muse…(that’s a funny image :) ) of course, the time-aspect still gets blurry sometimes, but i’m just grateful for when it does appear. and, i’m excited Colin is up for checkin one of those projects out…that could be fun… oh — and also, for me, just being a mama and playing and caring and observing is helping me with some of my art (kid’s books and art) since it’s directly related… that’s really nice. it’s like ideas are coming now that couldn’t have come when i wasn’t a mama. and for me, all these projects (chai book included) are very personal, so they fulfill a lot of my creative making desires right now. i don’t feel a need to paint for a gallery/show, and i love that i don’t. i know there will be another time for that again, in’shallah. i hope your muse visits you again soon! i’m sure she will, when you or she are ready, and then — watch out! xoxo
July 19th, 2010 at 3:28 am
Hi Jenny
Like you, I have one sister and three brothers. I also have three now grown-up children, two boys and a girl. I think my juggling of mothering and work/art/play must have been influenced to some extent by what my Mum let us do when we were little (for a start, we had a lot of TIME; not very much organised anything, so we were free to work out what we wanted to do and how to do it). When she worked in the garden, my Mum used to give us each a rectangular wooden tray in which we could create our own miniature gardens. This was one of my favourite garden activities when I was little. And as a Mum I’ve always had stacks of crayon, paper, stuff just hanging around for all of us to use whenever we feel like it. The best way to be a Mum is to do what you love and I agree you have to rub out the dividing line between ‘professional identity’ and ‘family life’. Then they flow in and out of each other. I like to believe that when I am tied up with family duties, what i am doing is feeding my writing and my publishing; I am sure it is and it does.
July 21st, 2010 at 8:46 am
hi Tessa
thank you so much for sharing — it’s really nice to hear from other creative mums and how they’ve shared that part of them with their children/motherhood. i really admire how BB came from your desire to share your love for books/writing/art with your children (and like i’m talking about, except on a larger scale, merging the two.) i feel lucky that so much of my art and writing directly relates to being a mama, too. watching my daughter grow and seeing through her eyes (and watching myself, and WHAT i want to share with her) has definitely given me new energy with my books and kid art.
i also loved hearing about how your mum was with you in the garden! that is such a fun idea i will use :) i also have a few ‘stations’ set up in the greenhouse and garden and (and the kitchen, too) for Tulsi to explore and create with dirt, water, rocks, flowers and food. (i love how knowledge and sensitivity for plants/food/flowers will be a part of who she is, what she’s just always known.) and yes, i think studio-time will gradually play out similarly (more and more as she grows) and we’ll work side by side on creative projects. this is such a beautiful new stage in my life — i’m really grateful for the challenges and growth and beauty it has and continues to bring! the two definitely feed/inspire each other — and you would know much more than me! thank you.
September 1st, 2010 at 7:14 am
Thanks so much for sharing, I’m so happy to read you finally found this balance! Yes being a mom makes us feel complete and energized (though drained in another way too ^^) but our art does it too!
This morning I woke up at 5 (did not plan to) felt too tired to paint but then I took my paper and paint and began to use my brishes and paint while listening to Ravi Shankar. It felt good and when 7 am was upon me I felt complete and energized! Then my little boy woke up, we had a great hug, he nursed a little bit, then I caught a friend online for a few minutes “talk” ;) and then my daughter came and mama’s day had begun!