my mama-guru (s)

I got the best mother’s day gift — my Mom is here! Not to make my 3 brothers and my sister jealous, but somehow, it worked out for the second year in a row. She and my dad came last year and celebrated my first mother’s day with us … they locked me in the bathroom while they traced Tulsi’s 4 1/2 week old teeny hand and foot on the inside of my first mother’s day card. “Now you know.” my mom said, “Because you are a mom.” She was referring to the indescribable love bursting from within a new, tired mama’s expanding heart. She also wrote that we were now sisters, in that blood-sister/mama-sister way. I love that.

It has been beautiful to see in myself this past year, how much more I am like my mom than I ever knew. I have often thought about her as I stumbled and stuttered and danced and cried and giggled my way thru Tulsi’s first year. By the time she was “my” mom, she probably didn’t stumble and stutter as much as I have since she was an expert by then (I was No. 4 of 5), BUT, she was a first-timer once, too, and it has been nice in my heart to remember that. It has helped me be gentle with myself. In my eyes, my Mom is the best, so naturally, I hope, some of her has rubbed off onto me and thus, passed on to Tulsi. She is now (and was, in all my memories of growing up) what mothers strive to be: compassionate, loving, empathetic, patient, wise, FUN, creative, silly, gentle, thoughtful, affectionate. She is my Mama-Guru, and whether I chose her or whether we were gifted to each other (or both), I am thankful over and over.

And, today, I want to sing: I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a full-time mama! It is a choice, but also grace, that I am / can be. I am thankful for this every day, and for Patrick’s support, too (in so many ways). He has worked extra hard so I can be with her. My mom was a full time mama for all 5 of us (!) AND worked for my dad part time. I know a little now, how much and how hard she worked constantly. She also cooked all the time. I’ve been cooking and baking a lot this year and surprising myself at how much I enjoy it, how creative it is. I’m also thankful that I am in more of a flow with Tulsi (during the days) and my art (at night), this past month. I’m doing it! I love doing both, and the joy nourishes my exhaustion. Plus, it is always nice to find balance so that the next time I am out of sync, I’ll know it is possible to find it again.

This year has also been a year of connecting with other mams — my sister, old friends, new friends, new and veteran mamas, and dear cyber friends (as funny as that sounds). We are very lucky to have each other to share and cheer for and lean on and appreciate. So today, I celebrate you as mamas, too. I learn so much from all of you. Thanks to all of you, and to my Mom, for being my mama-guru’s.

And as Tulsi says, HAPPY “MOM-MOM” Day!

Posted in everyday | 2 Comments »

happy earth day from two happy garden girls…

The Vegetables

Today
The vegetables would like to be cut

By someone who is singing God’s Name.

How could Hafiz know
Such top secret information?

Because
Once we were all tomatoes,

Potatoes, onions or
Zucchini.

–Hafiz, from The Subject Tonight is Love

Posted in garden | 7 Comments »

Who Does She Think She Is, Oh My.

I wrote that last post not knowing if I’d delete it or edit it down into just the positives. I’m a pretty private person on certain levels so I tend to share some things and not others. But I’m so glad I shared that — the part about feeling the rough spots of searching (and struggling) to find balance with Mamahood and my art. As I started to read so many comments and emails from other mama-artists on the same path, I felt more and more relief! And when I got to Dona’s comment reminding me about this film, Who Does She Think She Is?, I immediately watched the trailer and cried! Cried and laughed and felt like, “YES! Thank you.”

Another GIANT exhale of relief. And then an even bigger inhale of energy feeding every bit of my passion for both being a mother and being an artist.

I want to run out and watch this film, but it’s not out with Netflix yet. I actually had the chance to see it when I was pregnant, but I couldn’t make it to the viewing in town. I don’t think I could have really ‘gotten’ it then anyway. Mayumi Oda, who is interviewed in the film, is one of my favorite contemporary woman artists. Patrick introduced me to her work after he met her several years ago in Hawaii and she gave him a couple signed books of hers. (He also bought one of her Ganesha prints for a friend, and this Ganesha is AMAZING. And curvy, feminine, and full of shakti. So radically rare in an image of Ganesh. I stare at him every time I visit our friend’s home.) In one of her books, she wrote about her struggle with being an artist in a man-art world, especially while being a mother. I’ve been reading and rereading it lately. Again, relief. Energy. Inspiration.

Check out the film’s youtube station for more interviews, too…

I also remembered something I shared in an interview a couple months ago … about how mamahood resembles times when I’ve traveled in foreign countries for extended periods of time. While it’s true that I spend a lot of time in my sketchbooks while I travel and I’m not so much now, it’s also true that this whole year has been the most incredible journey that has filled me to the rim and then some. It’s nice to come back to previously discovered realizations that I maybe forgot in the present moment. To remember “aha” moments and say, “YES!”

Another “aha” moment…I noticed yesterday after a somewhat rare couple hours in my studio — it doesn’t take much art-time right now to fill me up in that art-soul-nourishing way. I love and appreciate that. Because, really, right now, I don’t desire to spend much more time than that in my studio each day/night…I don’t want to miss anything with Tulsi! I’m really quite attached to her! Someone commented about having a lot more time when she goes off to school in a few years, and I giggled to myself, since we are planning on homeschooling. Another friend (an artist/mama of two) recently told me, “It’s actually not harder with two babes because you don’t have to become a mother all over (for the first time) again. You don’t have to go thru that process of letting go of your previous self and figure out how you(r artist) self fits in with being a mama.”

Tulsi had her first ride on a radio flyer this weekend. We went to visit a friend, the horse. She was shrieking and shaking her head with delight. (Of course, you might not know that from the picture since she’s not into documenting that on camera.) So much wonder and sweet simplicity. Being a mother has become a huge part of my spiritual practice. She is my walking-swinging-sleeping meditation, and I am learning so much from her (about love and life and about myself).

Posted in everyday, mamahood | 8 Comments »

dirt for everyone.

There has been something whirling around in my head for awhile now, and I’m trying to look it in the eye with some extra love rather than ignore it and retreat in defeat, avoidance, anxiousness, etc. It’s something I know I’m not alone in by far. I know SO many mamas out there struggle with it, too. It’s the whole balancing act between being a full-time mama and being an artist. I’ve been trying not to think of these as separate, knowing full well that being a mama IS quite creative.  It’s more about actually creating “art” –because I want+need to and because it makes me happy. I miss it.

I have really been shy and have had mixed feelings about blogging, too, since I rarely have new art to share. (That was the reason I started blogging). I even stopped looking at a lot of blogs, because I have a lot less time, but also because it’s kinda discouraging.

I feel like my art has been on hold with the exception of short spurts here or there. The how-and-when really stump me. Every week is different, too. Sometimes I think I’ve found something that works, and then next week, it doesn’t. And sometimes I feel a little lost or like I’m falling behind.

I really can see the bigger picture though and know that time flies faster than my struggles. AND, I wouldn’t trade my time with Tulsi for anything! This is just my present moment, and I’m noticing that. I know some friends have this “perfect” picture of me, imagining me easily keeping up with everything and doing my art. Um, no. Not quite. But I certainly try. One thing that does make me feel more positive is seeing friends like Amy (with a grown-up kid) who is doing her art full-on and very successful. And so I know I won’t stop being an artist, even if I’ve slowed some for now.

It’s nice that I don’t spend too much time thinking about all this during the days. I’m too busy playing with my girl! Today was one of those ‘most’ perfectly perfect days in every way. We spent almost all day outside and in the greenhouse… I just love that Tulsi loves playing in dirt (which was her 2nd word in between turtle and tree). She was so content while I transplanted broccoli, cauliflower, zinnias, marigolds, and lettuces… It is going to be fun when she can start helping more, too. Here’s a dreamy glimpse of just a fraction of our greenhouse! It is nutzoid.

We had our first farmer’s market meeting last week! The thought of having a stand at the market all season is SO exciting. It’s such a fun way to be a part of our community and to inspire people with flowers and organic food. I think Tulsi will love it, too. The first market day is May 15th, and we are planning to sell veggie and herb starts, annual and perrenial flower starts, and bulk basil, mixed salad greens, kale, chard, spinach, arugula, and more. I gotta start thinking of signage and ways to make our stand super sweet and fun!

The other REALLY exciting news here on the homestead relates back to my struggle with art and time… I know this may not be the end-all answer, BUT, it may very well be a HUGE help. In this picture (my view from the greenhouse), Patrick is busy digging the foundation trench for our bedroom!! Yep, that’s right. Our wee, one-room house is about to grow…meaning, I can actually work at night when Tulsi is sleeping…I’ll be able to turn my studio lights ON and even make a little noise, and, as long as I have the energy, I can see to paint! Yay!!!  (I have a feeling that the energy will come with the freedom/space to create!)

If all goes well, it will be finished the end of May. We are doing strawbale construction, a natural form of building that is super insulated and perfect for here. It will have mud walls and a mud floor. I keep telling Tulsi, “We’re making you a dirt room!” Another great part of it is that Patrick is building it with our builder-friend, who promises to demystify building. Every guy’s dream, right? I’m already making a list of future building projects for Patrick to tackle…a mudroom, chicken coop, meditation/yoga hut, a studio…

I know I’m a little all over the place in this post, but it helps me to see once again how energy follows thought. And with persistence, patience, heart and sweat, soon something will change.

Posted in everyday, garden, homesteading | 24 Comments »

ONE year old.

Wow. I never knew how much FIRST birthdays meant for the parents… What an awesome celebration of so many magical moments. And so many ‘firsts’. Thank you for ALL the sweet birthday wishes and for your support since Tulsi was born (and since I learned I was pregnant)! She has colored our world in the most outrageously, beautiful way! Happy 1st Birthday Little Bird!

Posted in Tulsi Lila | 7 Comments »

one year ago, right now…

We were in town all day today and were home for just a few minutes before hearing an incredible sound…walked out my studio door into the blinding, setting sun to catch a glimpse of four beautiful horses. The first two were at a slow trot; the second two were running pretty fast. Totally random? Maybe. Magical? For sure. And I just happened to have a camera on hand and clicked a photo with Tulsi in my arms pointing with the widest eyes, whispering, then yelling, “Doh!” Our hearts were both beating so fast, bouncing off each other until merging in excitement. The funny thing is, EVERY time Tulsi has ever been near horses, she’s been sound asleep! I can think of ten times at least. This was her first encounter. Up close and dream-like and just hours before her birth, one year ago.

All week I’ve been flooded with waves of emotion around her birth. The beauty, the incredible energy and mystery, the miracle, the intensity, the peace, the emergency, the fear, the separation, the LOVE…and I haven’t really known what “to do” with it all except watch it and feel it. I’ve been wondering how to honor it. It all happened in a flash. As fast as these amazing creatures raced by. And as fast as her first year in our lives. Horses symbolize power, grace, beauty, strength. How perfect an omen for her birth day and my birthing day, the day our family was born!

Posted in mamahood, pregnancy | 6 Comments »

self publishing.

We had our “last” winter snowstorm yesterday, and today is sunny and snow covered and magical!

I just finished this collage of the Taj Mahal for our chai book that we are self-publishing. I’m trying to catch up with Patrick, who is ahead on the writing, but it’s challenging with life right now. I’m trying to hold some sort of focus and keep up endurance on this project amidst everything else. Just gotta keep chugging along and thinking I can. Envisioning nothing but that. It’s wild how time becomes more sacred once you have a baby. And books! In general, they are labors of love, and add to that self-publishing (and allllll the time, no advance, $ investment, focus, love, and grit that accompany this path), and we’re talkin’ serious, love-a-la-labour.

Since we are still in the midst of this long journey+collaboration, I thought I’d share some things we are doing AND ask for ideas that might help … with ANY part of this process…organization, collaboration, mixin’ it up creatively, seeing the big picture — figuring out how to take a step back from an individual piece of writing or design (or the whole project) and seeing where things are working and where they aren’t…and trusting where to take it(!), knowing what to edit out (what would be interesting to others and what wouldn’t, being your own art director/editor/publisher, finding the right editor, budgeting, workin’ while being a momma…and wise words/insight from others who have self-published or worked on big, collaborative projects.

This is definitely a process that some day, we want to share all about, and hopefully inspire others to embark on. It is awesome for sure, but long and difficult also– just like a pilgrimage. Makes our title even more appropriate. I know there are MANY unwritten books out there that can’t find homes with a publisher for whatever reason, and, are ‘perfect’ for self-publishing. We chose this route for several reasons. Not only did our book not fit into the molds of several publishers we approached, we think our book is unique and realized that we wanted the creative freedom of self-publishing. Plus, we are excited and energetic about the whole journey of getting our book out to you — people we think would “get it”.

For those who don’t know, Patrick and I are collaborating on this travel-photography-art-recipe book, inspired by chai culture in India and Nepal, and our backpacking adventures, while researching it…thus, the title: Chai Pilgrimage. Process-wise, we are doing the following as we go:

- brainstorm sessions over fresh masala chai (for both writing and design); morning time is best.

- timed writings, list-making, idea-journals. plus, we wrote in journals while traveling that are a good resource.

- idisk sharing of writing and jpgs back and forth :: i’d love to dive into Adobe Bridge…anyone use it? would it be worth learning and using for this project? i keep thinking it would help us with the back and forth of each spread, chapter, comments, etc.

- a master layout of the entire book in adobe InDesign — jpgs of ‘finished’ spreads are inserted and pages yet to be designed are titled for now. this has really helped us a lot, especially in balancing design + subject matter, and seeing whole chapters come together. it’s also a HUGE help in editing down our immense material!

- we have a website going with a blog (that has slowed down for now since we are focusing more on finishing the book) to gain interest, feedback, contacts, and an ever-growing email list to announce our book when it is out. we also have plans for a ‘real’ website once our book is closer to printing.

- found a print broker who can print with a credible printer in India (!!!!)

- found a few possible editors (ideally it will be someone who has traveled/lived in India and ‘gets’ our book), and plan to test them out before hiring the right one

- looking more at page weight and book covers and binding to get an idea of what we want

- consulting with designers over type/fonts/size

- we found this great advice a few years ago, too

That is all I can think of right now. I think setting small deadlines and sticking to them would really help… And finding ways to be braver, take more chances in designing; and trust myself. But I know there is more insight/advice we would really benefit from! I just don’t know what it is to ask for. So, thanks in advance. I appreciate it! I know we can do it, and it will be awesome. Just gotta build some momentum again.

Posted in illustration, personal work | 10 Comments »

eyes for flowers.

I’ve lost count of how many things Tulsi has taught me in such a short time.
Seeing a whole other world in fuzz balls of an old, beat-up rug, is just one of them.

Posted in everyday, mamahood | 10 Comments »

my cathedral (at least one of them)

Last night I soaked outside under the most magnificent sky I’ve seen in awhile. They are all amazing, for sure, but this one, mucho. It was after a peculiar, cold winter rain — an unfamiliar humidity mixed with smokey cedar air. Snow was in the forecast but not a cloud. A crystal clear, deep sky was glittered with star clusters and distant lightening flashes. Jet black giant sunflower stalks shook in the wind like those clumsy, squatty playground horsies atop fat, rusty springs. The garden lay hibernating under a foot of packed snow. 104 degree water warming me to my core. I thought, THIS is my cathedral. Without a doubt. Sacred. Expansive. The stillness, peace, and beauty that I taste in these moments I try to carry with me throughout all other moments.

We had just watched the first part of the Joseph Campbell interviews, Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth, recorded in the late 80s in George Lucas’ home. (still can’t believe I haven’t seen them before now!!) WOW. So interesting and Inspiring! Can’t wait to watch the rest. And Amen, JC! I am SO following ‘my BLISS’.

While I just don’t have much time to paint right now, I’m writing a lot! 3×5″ cards with scribbled story bits are filling a cigar box waiting to be stitched together. A perfect style that doesn’t intimidate me like a blank notebook. Another way of sowing seeds. They’ll also need time, attention, incubation, sunshine. They are mostly filled with ramblings and phrases like,”feathery familiar guiding a wandering, wondering, four-eyed ladybug”, that really only make sense to me. My own language. An under-drawing to who knows what. I love it.

I recently got a wild idea to host a creative retreat with a few kids’ book author/illustrator friends. It’s starting to take shape. Yay! It has already ignited a healthy, hot flame under my Polish doopa, to write some new stories. Fingers and toes crossed it manifests. It’s just what I am needing. Plus, it will be fun to share my ‘little’ cathedral with them.

Winter has been full. Spring is ‘here’, crocuses just popped thru the ground. And it’s snowing again. Pink mountains. A greenhouse vibrating with so much new life. And Tulsi is 11 months old! Wow…so much to celebrate…

Posted in everyday | 9 Comments »

a little interview on progressive pioneer…

Amy, a super cool and inspiring mama/urban-homesteader, posted a little interview with me today over on progressive pioneer. It’s thoughts on being a mama and artist. Thanks Amy, for the opportunity to reflect. Y’know, all this — being a mama, building a homestead, gardening (and now being farmers at the market) — we’re just learning as we go. We don’t always know what the heck we’re doing, BUT we do have good instincts and know how to trust them. And we are confident in knowing what feels right for us. We feel SO crazy blessed that we have the opportunities to live the way we do.

AND, I want to add, we are surrounded by countless “progressive pioneers” (as Amy defines it) — from history, from cultures around the world, and definitely the present (our amazing, little community here) AND so many more. Yay for that. I love my little life and everything and everyone that inspires us to keep makin it real.

Posted in interviews, mamahood | 7 Comments »