the magic realm.
June 28, 2009
Tulsi is reminding me constantly that magic is everywhere. Tree spirits, flying horses, twirling god’s eyes, dangling doily paper cut-outs, curtains dancing in open windows before a storm, bird shadows, rain music, and the list goes on. I’ve heard many times before how your children help you see the world again as if for the first time. That couldn’t be more true. What a gift she is giving me!!
Last night I woke up to her little hand holding mine. Talk about moments that are forever imprinted on my heart…
jenny sue on the radio
June 17, 2009
Connie Gotsch of the radio show Write On Four Corners here in the SW interviewed me last September about my first book, My Travelin’ Eye. It was finally broadcasted today! I was super nervous and had major morning sickness goin’ on when she called…so I was a bit clumsy with my words at first…but I think it turned out ok. Hope you enjoy it! And thanks, Connie, for having me on your show!
You can listen to the show by going to www.ksje.com — or click here to play the mp3.
inbetween milk and play…
June 5, 2009
I’ve been a mom for two months now and feeling in such a nice groove with little Miss Tulsi. I’ve slowly dipped my toes back into freelance and am being very gentle about expectations for myself and time. Some days I have more time, others none, so I’m just going with the flow. Literally! It’s all about the milk flow!
This is a cropping from an illustration I just finished for a new client. I love working with new clients, and it’s fun when we can create a beautiful piece together without ever speaking to each other…email, when it works, can be the smoothest of charades. This butterfly garden is the first art I’ve made since Tulsi came. Her sweet self was the perfect inspiration, and Patrick, too. He has been going crazy with the garden, and our backyard has become the cool new hang out for the birds and butterflies and ladybugs in the hood. I have to say I’m missing the ‘labor’ of gardening this year, of digging in the dirt and smelling like dirt, but I kinda have the best of both worlds: a garden-rockstar of a husband and an awesome baby to snuggle with. Patrick hung a hammock for us, and it’s Tulsi and my new favorite place to nap to the lullaby of birdsong. Sigh.
Speaking of little birds…Tulsi is waking up and will be ready for more milk. Then play, then cuddle, then more milk, then nap, and THEN, I’ll get back to painting. XOj-mama
Advice for Tulsi’s Mom (from Mrs. Creech’s first grade class)
June 2, 2009
I got the coolest belated first mother’s day gift in the mail last week : a one of a kind book entitled, “The Mom Book: Advice for Tulsi’s Mom”, written and illustrated by my niece Katie and her classmates. I was shocked! It’s the best thing to get home made presents, and this one goes down as one of the all time best for me. Last year I visited Truman Elementary in St. Louis. I read My Travelin’ Eye and talked with a few hundred aspiring author/illustrators about how I made my first book. It’s obvious that Katie’s then-Kindergarten-class is passionate about making books! Their words and pictures were sweet, unique, and made me giggle SO much. I know this book is going to help me be the best mom I can be to Tulsi! Thanks Mrs. Creech and all your students!
**ALL of the writing and illustrations are AWESOME. I just couldn’t scan them all in! I LOVED them all. Here are just some… Wouldn’t you agree they are very talented?! Click on image to zoom.
thank you…
I just wanted to say thanks for the comments and emails from Tulsi’s birth story post. They mean a lot to me. It took some courage to share such an intimate experience on my blog, but I’m glad I did…it was life changing for me and not to share it would have felt like I was hiding it. Each birth is so sacred and unique. I feel incredibly blessed that I was supported in that way to have a natural birth in a such a safe, peaceful space. Blessings to all you mamas-to-be out there! I pray your birth is oh-so beautiful.
Tulsi’s birth story.
May 22, 2009
Dear sweet little Tulsi Ma, this is the story of your birth. It is by far the most sacred experience I’ve ever known.
love,
Mama
It was April 8th. My contractions started around 2 am and slowly picked up pace throughout the morning and afternoon. We spent most the day in town wondering if you were coming that night. We were home long enough for Patrick to put all the groceries away when my contractions got stronger and more painful. It was then I knew I was actually in labor and was excited but a little nervous, too. We went outside and soaked in the hot tub. Patrick pressed into my lower back with his palms while I leaned over the rim. Oso was standing guard (as he always does) and was looking concerned. I remember he climbed the wooden steps and licked the water off my shoulders. Maybe Joan can just come up here, Patrick said. That would be great, I thought, I’m dreading the long drive to town. A home birth would be awesome, but we decided to birth at the center since it was across the street from the hospital, just in case of an emergency.
I didn’t realize that Patrick was timing every contraction and writing them down. After 20 minutes in the tub, they were 60 seconds long and 4-6 minutes apart. Our midwife Joan was surprised my contractions didn’t slow down with soaking. She told Patrick to leave right away and she’d meet us there. My sister happened to call and got really excited to hear I was in labor. She must have then called my parents who called a minute later to cheer me on.
I was on all fours in the back seat leaning on pillows stacked on the base of your car seat. Your papa tried (with no luck) to get a cop to pull us over and escort us with flashing lights. It was the first time I gave him permission to drive as fast as he wanted.
I closed my eyes and began to ‘om’ as each contraction came and peaked and subsided. I can still hear Patrick om-ing, too. The sound OM quickly became my friend and strength. The contractions were more intense than I could have imagined, and I knew they would get a lot more intense as the night went on. In the stillness between one of the contractions, I saw the almost-full moon rise over the Sangres. It continued to glow in the darkness behind my closed eyelids into the next contraction.
Breaking time into small segments has an abstract affect. The drive seemed to fly by. My water broke the second Patrick parked the car in front of the birth center’s open door. It was clear.
Joan, Kiersten, Sally and Dara were outside waiting for us. It was 7:30 pm. I leaned on someone thru another contraction in the dirt parking lot. There was a cool breeze that felt so nice on my forehead. The contractions were a minute long now and 3 minutes apart. I headed straight for the ‘pink’ room. The bedspread was prettier, and well, I was sure you were a girl. (We never could decide on boy’s name…) Plus, there was a painting of a cowboy, his wife and their baby. Kiersten told me about the cowboy’s wife who gave birth in that room so quietly. She sat on the bed at 9 cm just talking softly with the midwives. Then she got up, squatted next to the bed and gently pushed her baby out.
Joan asked me to lay on the bed so she could measure me. No! I responded. Why not? She said a little surprised. Because I’m afraid I’m still only at 1 cm. She laughed, don’t worry, you are definitely not at 1. She was right. I was at 6 cm. (My friend Lindsy had just told me her son’s birth story, how she labored at home for some hours and was in so much pain she could barely make it to the car. When she arrived at the midwifery center, she was only dialated to 1 cm.)
The next 5 1/2 hours are both foggy and crystal clear. Labor had begun taking on a whole new reality. Or surreal-ality. Time became warped, and the only real tangible thing was the exact present moment – each second, each breath, each sensation, each set of eyes, each touch. At times the waves felt like tidal waves, but each one I swam thru was replaced with a deep-rooted strength I never knew I possessed.
At one point my legs shook uncontrollably, and Sally covered them with warm blankets and rubbed them. Joan filled the tub. I felt lighter in the water. I immediately felt comforted when I discovered the altar Patrick set up on the side of the tub. My eyes locked into Maharaji’s eyes and your 31 week ultrasound picture. It was amazing — you were knocking at the door to this world!
Although my memory of the physical pain has softened quickly since then, I remember it was hard at times to focus on you. The pain in my lower back was overwhelming. It felt like someone was prying my sacrum apart with a crowbar. Patrick leaned all his weight exactly where my hands directed him. I’m not sure how much it actually helped with the pain, but knowing he had my back helped me feel stronger. At one point, he tried to leave to eat lazanga, but I grabbed him and held him close. (He did manage to sneak out later to eat because I remember him returning and telling me how awesome it was!) Although labor was more intense than anything I’d ever felt, this pain served a purpose — there was nothing “wrong” — and I wanted to feel it and all the emotions and beauty that came with it. Labor was moving along perfectly. My body knew exactly what to do, and I felt completely safe with the midwives. In between each contraction was a gentle, sweet silence. I rested in Patrick’s eyes.
I remember my om’s growing stronger with the contractions. I think they were more like om-moans. I rode my birth tiger thru all my fears. Everyone kept reminding me I’d meet you on the other side. I rocked my hips kneeling in the hot water and drifted in and out of darkness. Then Elaine arrived.
Elaine is a dear friend of ours. We’ve backpacked a lot together, shared many ‘physically challenging moments’ together and laughed thru them all. She had also delivered many babies as a midwife on a hippie commune when she was younger. She knelt next to the tub and we locked arms. She was radiant as always and dressed in tiel and turquois and purple with beads to match. “There are 20 women at my house doing Sedar right now,” she said. It was Passover. “They are all holding a space for you and the baby.” I dove head first into my next contraction, and upon returning, Elaine said, “Ok, Jenny Sue, stay with me for this next one. Don’t close your eyes. Stare into mine.” As the next one approached, I locked into her bright, sparkly green WIDE eyes. “You can do this,” she whispered. “You’re doing great.”
And something shifted. An opening. The contractions became expansions. I felt held by everyone in the room because I let them. Joan took cleansing breaths with me when I’d feel the next contraction coming, and she fanned me when I got too hot. Sally fed me slices of pear and gave me sips of juice water. Kiersten and Dara kept checking your heart rate. And Patrick’s calming, loving touch was constant. Soon I was at 9 cm.
Then, somehow, I became really sleepy, dozing off in between contractions. I was exhausted and overheated so Joan had me get out of the tub. I tried walking and sitting and went backwards down to 6 cm. It was hard to hear, but somehow I kept going and made it up to 10 cm.
That was the first marathon. Pushing was the second. The rest of labor is a little fuzzy. I was back in the tub, this time with Patrick, my back leaning against his chest. Every time I pushed, Joan checked for signs of your head with a flashlight. Joan announced you’d be born with the full moon. It was 12:01 am. I pushed but you weren’t moving. Then your heart rate dropped to 80. You seemed to be stuck at the pubic bone and stressed. Joan immediately ordered me out of the tub and had me try several positions in order to find one you liked – the birthing stool, the ball, squatting and lying on the bed. Kiersten checked your heart rate with each position. I was in transition and in some altered state. I clearly remember sitting on the birthing stool and Joan saying urgently, “Someone hand me the picture of Neem Karoli Baba,” and she held his photo in front of me. “Focus on this.” I had several pregnancy dreams of Maharaji holding you wrapped in his wool plaid blanket. I prayed to him, and he helped me thru that moment. I moved to the bed, and your heart rate shot back up!
Patrick held me in his arms. The midwives put an oxygen mask on me to help you, although in the moment I didn’t understand that. I was whirling around the room from corner to corner. It is the closest to an out of body experience I’ve ever had. Patrick chanted to Hanuman and Ganesh in my ear and told me over and over I could do this, that our baby was almost here. The five women cheered from the bottom of the bed and showed me in a mirror as your head started to emerge. You had lots of dark hair, and your head moved slightly out with every push and then back in. I was amazed at what my body was doing, what it knew to do. Still, I knew it would take more strength.
Patrick held my left foot, Dara held my right. The contractions flooded one on top of the other. I locked eyes with each set of eyes in front of me. There was some urgency in Patrick’s voice. I knew you needed to come then. I tore the oxygen mask off and pushed harder and deeper staring into the painting of Guadalupe dressed in royal blue, standing in a golden sky. Patrick kept ‘cheering’ me on. The pressure was unbearable when I wasn’t pushing so I pushed and pushed until your head opened me. I immediately recognized the “ring of fire” I had read about. It was a new sensation that I welcomed with delight! With the next contraction your head was out. Your teeny 5 lb 13 oz body slipped out next. You were here! April 9th, 2009, at 12:52 AM. I fell back into Patrick’s arms, and he hugged me. It was the happiest moment of our lives.
Then came the scariest of our lives. I don’t remember everything that happened next. I was still in a shamanic state. When Patrick tells the story, I cry every time. I just wanted to hold you in my arms, look into your eyes and nurse you. But I couldn’t. I could feel angels in the room but wasn’t sure of their agenda. I heard Kiersten say to call 911. I could see her suctioning your nose and mouth. They gave you oxygen. You were blue and covered in meconium. After a few minutes, Patrick could see you were a girl. Kiersten lay you on my chest for only a few seconds. You were warm, wet, limp, listless, but you were so beautiful. I whispered “I love you.” I wanted to keep holding you, but you had to go. Joan asked if we had a name for you, and I called out, “Tulsi”. Immediately, everyone began calling you Tulsi. These whisper welcomes were your new cords connecting you to this world. It seemed like your spirit just hadn’t quite caught up with your little body yet.
Within a few minutes, Kiersten and Patrick ran out the door with you swaddled in blankets. The next moment I was shaking uncontrollably again with so many emotions,, nerves, exhaustion.
It was a good thing our birth plan consisted of only one thing: no matter what, present moment, only moment. And that’s just what we did. Your papa went with you to the hospital. He sang every bhajan he knew to you, and he never left your side. He took your first plane ride with you while the full moon set and the sun rose. I stayed at the birth center long enough to deliver your placenta, bathe and regain ‘enough’ strength to walk (I was a bit wobbly after laboring). Then I joined your papa and you at the hospital in Taos. I was relieved to see you pink! I talked and sang to you for hours. The doctors said you inhaled meconium into your lungs and had to go to the nicu in Albuquerque. They wouldn’t let me fly since I had just given birth so our friend Jon drove me. When I finally rejoined you and your papa, he and I cried and cried. It was the first time either one of us could allow ourselves to let go into what we were feeling. Until then, we had to stay so strong, alone. It was the hardest thing ever to be separated from you and your papa.
You were so teeny and hooked up to all sorts of wires. At first a machine had to breathe for you, but you healed quickly. You are a tough little bird! I’ll never forget when I finally got to hold you.
We stayed with you for one week in the nicu – it seemed like forever to us, but it was so little compared to the ‘sick’ babies in the nicu who’d been there for weeks and months. And although that first week was nothing like we’d hoped – we wished we could have simply bundled you up and took you home the day you were born – we had the most precious first week (and every day since) with you.
As I finish this story, you are 6 weeks old and flourishing! Tulsi, we love you so much and our joy-cup is overfilling!!
…..
Left to Right: My midwife Joan, Me, Tulsi, Sally & Dara (midwife students). Kiersten is missing in the photo. ALL of them are angels and are so incredibly special to us! I have oceans of respect for these women and ALL midwives.
Our first family portrait at 2 weeks.
Our labor altar reset up in our hotel in Albuquerque with the addition of Hanuman Jyanti prasad from the temple and your Ganesh doll from Aunti Elaine.
tulsi moments.
May 14, 2009
Someone asked if I was tired recently. Exhausted, I replied. But in complete bliss. (I think that first week in the hospital made the first month seem easy! Tulsi is very content, thus the addition of the name Santoshi to her ever growing name: Tulsi Lila Grace Little Bird Squeaker Santoshi Kostecki Shaw.) I’m loving every bit of this time…days AND nights…her oh-so sweet, quiet profiles, her super cute breathing and gurgling sounds while she nurses, long periods of staring deep into each other’s eyes, her hilarious expressions and daily discoveries, and yes, even cloth diapers — fleecey goodness on her tush!… (btw, don’t they look like prayer flags blowing on the clothesline?!)
PS Happy belated mother’s day to all you beautiful women!
one full moon later…
May 7, 2009
I’m finding it hard to believe this sweet little soul has been with us for one month already. She’s snuggled up in the moby wrap now against my chest, sleeping and chirping while I type and bounce on the ball. I’ve pretty much disappeared from the world outside (as expected and so happily accepting). Not much time for blogging or returning emails (if you’ve emailed me, THANK YOU!! I’ve appreciated them all and have responded in detail in my head, just not for real yet…) and when I do have time (like when she falls asleep) I’d simply prefer to stay close to her and watch her every mudra, hear her sweet-n-funny sounds, and feel her soft and squooshy skin. She’s doing so well…and a champion nurser…already gained 2 pounds!…and has grown the cutest, squeezable cheeks (refer again to above picture). She’s still on oxygen 24-7 to help out her lungs (minus the few minutes for the photo shoot) so I’ll be happy to finally attain ‘full-cheek-access’ in another week or two. Without a doubt, we have begun writing/living the deepest, most beautiful love story of our life.
So, yes, I am LOVING being her mom (insert a gazillion ! marks). There is so much to share, but it’s hard to put words to it all. My parents are visiting this week, too, which has been the best. It is so fun to watch them with Tulsi, AND an added bonus, they are helping Patrick to rock out the garden…digging/amending/planting the beds. My mom is great with Tulsi and is giving me a little time to write this post and work on a couple illustration jobs. Thanks you two!!
I also want to say a GIANT thanks for all the sweet words from everyone. They’ve been like little rainbows peering out from behind the mountains.
Ah, she’s giggling in her sleep right now, my favorite! If you click on her picture above, you’ll see her announcement on the birth center blog and our first family photo! I’m strill trying to finish writing her birth story and will post it some day… Hope you are all doing well! xojenny
Meet Tulsi Lila…
April 20, 2009
On April 9th, we welcomed our beautiful baby girl into the world! She is happy, healthy and (of course) the sweetest, cutest little love-muffin soul from heaven. Tulsi Lila Grace Shaw made her grand 5lb 13oz entrance at 12:52am on the full moon at the midwifery center in Taos. Jenny was lovingly supported (being massaged, fanned and hand-fed fruit) through 6 hours of labor by 2 midwives, 2 assistants, our “jewish grandmother” and Patrick. (At some point, I’ll share ‘our’ birth story.)
It was a bit of a rough landing from heaven to earth for Tulsi and she was whisked off to the Taos hospital with severe meconium aspiration, then took her first airplane ride with her papa to the neonatal intensive care unit in Albuquerque. There, she recovered while being served by a host of angels. Now, baby, momma and papa are back home and nestled into their love nest.
Sorry for the late announcement, it’s been a busy week. And endless thanks for the many prayers and sweet words! We are so blessed and completely IN LOVE!!!!!
Much Love, Jenny and Patrick
Tulsi (tool-see), Sanskrit name of both a Goddess and a sacred, medicinal plant from India that is used as an offering in rituals.
Lila (lee-la), Sanskrit word meaning “Divine Play.” All manifestations in the universe are God’s Lila.
Grace is what brought Tulsi to us and also her grandma Shaw’s middle name, Tulsi being her only grand daughter.
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HELLO!
